BASTARD’S LAMENT
it’s
my
birth day
february 18th
the date
of the month
I was born
74 years ago
so — wha’cha’ thinkin’?
happy — birth — day
well
not if you’d been there
I was an “undesired”
an inconvenient child
a discard
to be thrown away
though I was healthy
had all my fingers
all my toes
and lungs of a tenor
no matter
I was labeled — MISTAKE!
misbegotten
unfortunate
a problem
ultimately
to be left behind
alone
abandonned
so
I was placed
in a cold metal orphanage crib
frequently
with others
like me
in a big
sparse
cold room
overseen
by strange
grey-habit’d
amorphous figures
I had been tried
convicted
sentenced
for my early life
to know confusion
know shame
know the sorrow
of the unwanted
without ever
seein’
my accusers
we’d won the big war
over there
in here
my battle had just begun
and for the next few years
struggle I did
but some of that’s
for another story
which does include a hero
here I was
condemned
guilty only
of the crime
of inconvenience
so
today
it is my birth day
some
happy / birth / day —- huh?
well
apparently not for all
who were present that day
happy birthday?
hmmm…
lotsa ole friends have passed away
COVID-19’s running astray
normal life is on delay
the world’s nerves are in a fray
but hey
as for me today
I’m doin’ — OK!
original draft © 2/18/63
current edit © 2/18/21
To check out more poetry at dVerse: CLICK HERE
Yes, you’re doin’ — OK. You are living proof that the beginning does not define the end. Oh, and have a happy birthday.
Thank you Ron… 🙂
Wow, if this is not fiction, that is stark heritage. Covid pissed on my birthday last June as well. But your tenacity is remarkable. I had a fall this morning, and the EMT’s had to help me to my feet…yet, yet, every day above ground and out of the urn is a blessing. Very few live in the “Now” with as much intensity that you and I do. Hugs, brother.
Yes, that is a researched, and reasonably accurate description, of what was the first couple years of my life in St. Joseph’s Catholic Infant Home in Cincinnati, Ohio — operated with all the Catholic guilt the Grey-habitted nuns could heap. Thank god the place is shut and gone. It was a scandal in that city. I do not have a vivid memory of that period, but I had to overcome some pretty deep seeded, vivid emotional scars — not helped by the challenging situation in the home into which I was eventually adopted. I tried several times years ago to try to get info on my birth mother, but all records have “disappeared”. I shared this today because it fucked up my early life, I have been battling depression, and occasionally I need to say out loud — fuck you world! I’m OK. And Glenn — so damned sorry you had a fall brother! Hope the hell you are alright. Gotta keep the rubber side down and the shiny side up my friend.
But still, dude, today you be da man.
Thank you Ron. I have learned over the years, a reasonably effective method to keep the ghosts and monsters locked in a closet way in the back of my mind. It keeps a dark part of me down. They rattle the door occadionally and stir up some anger. This dark past year I had to thwart a couple attempted escapes. Perhaps that is why I write, and why I am drawn to write about scifi/fantasy, as well as love and passion — for escape? Who the fuck knows.
Happy birthday Rob, from another Aquarian (the 12th).
A poem of survival, it has all the economy of something that had to be said! Glad to see you’re still strong and defiant!
JIM
Thank you Jim… 🙂
Hugs, kisses on your cheeks (the upper variety) … and more Happy Birthday Hugs.
Ron said it best … but still, dude, today you be da man.
I have never read a more vivid, disturbing, beautifully composed account of a ‘life’ survived / lived. Bravo, Rob. Bravo.
Thank
you Helen,I’m blushing… it was a hard life, which I didn’t fully realize until
it was behind me. We were abandoned kids, like the dirty secrets that resulted fromAmerica’s greatest military victory WWll ! Our government did not want the ugly underbelly of iligitemat births that were spawned by that war, and espevially by the peace? We bastards were just an inconveniencs.
P
You’re here, and that’s something good. Keep writing!
Thank you kerfe — I will always be writing even when I nash my teeth shortly after I post it, not from regret, but from the rawness of the exposure — but truth is powerful!
I know I said it at the live event, but here it is again: Happy 74th birthday, Rob, and I hope you have many more! You’ve certainly made up for the false start in your life and brought so much joy in your music and poetry.
It’s a strange coincidence that your birthday coincides with my parents’ anniversary – both dead now – and they left me with my grandparents for seven years and pretty much disowned me when I was a teenager. It took a move to Germany when I was seventeen and putting myself through university for them to accept me.
Thank you Kim. When we draw back the curtains on so many lives — we can be so surprised, especially if they were one of the lucky survivors. Family secrets, the bruises and the balm that hold so many families together… 🙂
Thank you for sharing this Rob: you are a beautiful soul and the world is better with you in it! I am sorry for this heartbreak which has haunted your life, but what a way to make it through!
You are welcome Ingrid. Essentially, the emotional scars from the early years of my life have healed. I have learned to deal with the depression and night terrors reasonably well through my life. Anger still rears its head at times, especially if an article or a news feature about child abuse crosses my path. Counseling session notes, which eventually became the outline for the first draft of this piece, began in 1963, the year of my 16th birthday. I was discovering some truths about my life in the orphanage, and later in the family that adopted me. They surfaced during my work with a youth psychologist teaching at my high school, who was helping me learn to deal with the childhood traumas that resulted from the extreme emotional abuse I’d experienced at the hands of the paranoid/schizophrenic mother of the woman who adopted me. It focused also on the absence of loving physical contact during my time in the orphanage. We were seldom held or comforted, something I was learning, and now know is so very critical in the healthy development of an infant. Anyway, like I wrote in this piece, now I’m OK. 🙂
Happy 74th birthday, Rob! This is such a poignant poem! The scars that we carry especially the ones that are emotional and deep-seated take time to heal, and in the end we emerge stronger than ever. You are living proof of that 🙂 I salute you!
Thank you Sansa, that which does not kill your spirit will make it stronger?
This breaks my heart, Rob. Very poignant and sad. My heart goes out to you and what you’ve been through in life.
“I was an “undesired”
an inconvenient child
a discard
to be thrown away”
Just absolutely heartbreaking and I wish I could give you a hug. No one should ever be treated or talked to like that. You made through it though, and you are so strong. I do hope you had a good birthday a few days ago, and I wish you a happy belated one.
You’ve been through so much, my friend. What hell. Despite it all, you’re kicking and that’s admirable. A beautiful and haunting poem; it’s utterly stirring.
I feel your {{{{HUG}}}}! there’s one back for you Lucy — thank you… 🙂
Happy Birthday, sir! I am wishing you not in spite but really for making it OK till here and hopefully for years ahead! I read your reply to Glen’s comment and was shocked ‘cuz until then I thought the poem has to be fiction. It’s true that reality is sometimes stranger than fiction, thank you for giving us a peek into your life through this nicely crafted masterpiece! (Oh I should make it Belated happy birthday, have a great day.) ~Jay
Thank you M Jay! 🙂
Maybe doin’ Ok is pretty good these days… but you have for sure improved from the time you were born… In Sweden, we would call you a dandelion child, overcoming such a hard beginning.
Thank you Bjorn. We all do what we must do.
A belated happy birthday, Rob. I wasn’t at the live event because it’s also my husband’s birthday. I’m so sorry that you had such a horrible childhood, and I wish I could give both that little you and current you a hug! (I’ll just slip a virtual one through here.). You are certainly well-loved in the dVerse community. ????
Thank you Merril… 🙂