my cardiac rehabilitation, following the implanting of my pacemaker.
No Option
to lose the pace
is to still keep going
keep moving forward
lest one be rutted in uncertainty
rigid with the rigor of fear
stalled in hopelessness
paralyzed
by the giving in
the giving up
caught in anguish
with the loss of belief
when grip lets go of dream
arthritic is loss of faith
debilitates the spirit
cripples the manifest light
that shines forth
at the sacred leap
into the dark unknown
but stopping is no option
frozen is the doubting man
withered in a worried cage
terrified of the wrong step
of the journey all in
of daring the way unmarked
to the destination uncertain
thus he bleeds out
loses the color of life
to become cold and grey
mired in regret
for never having shone so brightly
as to blind the eyes of death
stopping is no option
rob kistner © 2019
Wow! So true, Rob.
Yes it is Lynn.
Dark and frightening, brutha–I like the notion that for a time we can /blind the eyes of death/. Something scorchingly true here; every moment, every breath is to be cherished and not wasted. I like the line /at the sacred leap into the dark unknown/.
I keep shinin’ my lil’ light bright and long as I can Glenn – blindin’ that reapin’ fucker for all I’m worth. Shine on bro!
I like how you describe arthritis: “arthritic is loss of faith
debilitates the spirit
cripples the manifest light”
Statement that is true on two levels Frank. One is spiritual and one is attitudinal, which is my focus in this piece.
There is almost a hint of desperation here, like moving to stay ahead of that man who wants to stop for various reasons. Is there time for rest in this scenario?
There is always time for rest Lisa. I rest a couple hours every M/W/F afternoon, when I have finished my recumbent cross-trainer sessions. And in the evenings I play with my now almost 6-year-old grandson Alex after dinner, before he goes to bed. That is not rest, but it is wonderfully rejuvenating for my soul, as are play sessions that break out here and there with Edgrrr, my Shih Tzu. But when one is dealing with a failing heart, pacemaker, arterial sclerosis, high blood pressure, brittle diabetes, snd neuropathy — the clock is always running on health maintenance and vigilance (multiple meds, insulin injections, Victoza injections, multiple daily blood glucose monitoring, daily topical massages with ointments, and daily scheduled physical exercise)… if one wants to stay among the living — stopping is no option!!
Have you always had that fortified will to live, Rob, or only after your big health scare? I’m amazed by people who soak up life so much and carry an attitude such as yours. I think for a few years in my life I experienced that vivacity, but honestly, I feel convicted in reading your lines about being caged in, terrified of breaking out.
Amaya, in response to your question about my vivacity in light of my health challenges. I have always been fully willing to step through any door – after one studied glance. The fears I carried most of my life were small picture issues, primarily around insecurity in my personal space, a product of a difficult childhood. But that same childhood made me willing to step out into the unknown, because I had a helluva lot of unknown around me — so I had the choice to shrivel up, or to go for it… I went for it out of survival. Physical, mental, and emotional survival. Fear to move was not a core issue, but understanding and knowing how to love, myself and others — big challenge for me. The serious health challenges have probably made me a bit more of a fighter, but they also showed me what love and gratitude is. That is the gift they gave me. I am not fearful of whatever comes next. I have no idea what it is, so what’s to fear. I also don’t have a burning need to preserve my personal awareness in the next phase of our energy’s journey. In that regard, since I do have personal awareness now, I respect and embrace it. Well I have been babbling, and I don’t know if you will ever have time to read this, nor do I know for sure if I answered your inquiry — but there it is. Love to you Amaya! 🙂