Ritual

keys
especially car keys
reside in an alternate universe

not everyone is aware of this
but it is true

keys can crossover into our realm
and will
reluctantly
but this requires of us
a rather detailed ritual
involving cursing
combined with scowling
and at times shouting
the gritting of teeth
some degree of fist clenching
frantic lumbering from room to room
perhaps adding arm flailing
the turning of circles
and rigid glances to the heavens
to demonstrate earnestness

this generally is not sufficient
to recall the keys immediately
so
genuflecting becomes a major component
followed by deep bowing
to gaze suppliantly
under chairs
sofas
beds
desks
and dressers
large appliances
small might also be considered

be aware
it is not wasted endeavor to peer into the fridge
as it has been known to elicit positive results
though not often

keys still a no-show

then lifting of seat cushions is recommended
it appears to increase the power
of this prayer of reunion
tossing can be included for drama
some keys are drawn to drama

if still no sign of keys

then transition to the opening
and slamming
of multiple drawers
large and small
deep and shallow
wooden
metal
and synthetic

don’t forget to include the bathroom
as keys sometimes choose to reappear
in most unusual and exotic places

still no keys

then move to the pocket searching phase
jackets
shirts
trousers
walking shorts
it seems the more clothing types one addresses
during this portion of the ceremony
the more effective it is in summoning the keys

the rite may also need to include
the repetition of a number of ceremonial elements
already completed

it is not clear precisely how many must be repeated
so
this particular part of the ritual
is a bit of trial and error
very frustrating
but sometimes essential in conjuring keys

occasionally so is retracing
portions of this journey of petition
the exact requirements
for satisfying this backtracking
is also ambiguous
so
use your best judgment

in fact
one must remain aware
this is not an exact rite of entreaty
so
perseverance is highly recommended

if the keys are distracted
or otherwise engaged in their alter-realm doings
it may be necessary
to include a pilgrimage to the garage
to perform an in depth laying on of hands
in scouring the car

often this will stir the key’s attention
and bid them come
for they spend quite a bit of time
when in our realm
in close relationship with the car

if all else has failed to beckon forth the keys
it may be necessary to solicit the cooperation
and participation of a loved one
to then repeat the entire ceremony

if one resorts to this partnering
as a part of the search and retrieval ritual
it is important to honor the chosen loved one
with praise and gratitude
and certainly gifts are not out of place

please know
at times it is necessary to make such offerings
prior to securing cooperation of a loved one
especially if one did a poor job
bestowing ones thanks and admiration
following a previous such ceremony of discovery
in which the said loved one jointly participated

this is not sacrilege
and occasionally will bring about early success
in calling forth the keys

once the keys make their appearance
it is tradition to exaggerate ones relief and joy
extolling the virtues of the keys
careful never to scold
exclaiming their importance
and to boast promises
proclaiming how you will stay closer
and better in touch with the precious keys
understanding
that this pledge of fidelity and improvement
is completely ceremonial
and will have no real impact on the future