Original DDE™ surrealistic art: “You Are Always” by: rob kistner © 11/2/23
I can still feel it
all of it
the anger
the perversity
the pain
the powerlessness
the anguish
the anger
that someone so young
so beautiful
could be taken
by another’s careless act
the perversity
of a son
passing before the father
my heart broken
bargaining with god
that you be returned to life
in exchange for mine
you were so alive
so wonderfully alive
thinking of you now son
of my favorite picture of you
it’s the one I treasure most
a simple snapshot
taken at the airport
upon your return
from New York City
having run their marathon
a gentle triumphant smile
obvious your eyes were beaming
behind your ‘cool’ shades
jacket sleeves rolled
so casually hip
your carry-on gripped firmly
steady in your left hand
your medal dangling proudly
from your strong neck
the gentle victor
fiercely handsome
taken just before
the finish line
of your 18 years
it said it all
your race was run
your bag packed
your reward in hand
though we did not know
you were ready to fly
my precious angel
I still feel it all
and I still feel you
in a tearful
turbulent night
you may come
as a breeze
stirring through my open window
a plaintive zephyr
yet sweet
you may come
as a faint sound in the darkness
an easy laugh
rich voice
a song
you may come as a sunrise
or a sunset
you may come
as a comforting thought
kindness
strength
gentleness
you may come
as a cherished presence
warm smile
clear eyes
peaceful eyes
full of wonder
the beauty of youth
you may come
as a moment recalled
a moment of the heart
that precious last time
we stood embracing
expressing our love
no way of knowing
it would be our last
I will feel that embrace
that warmth
forever
and now mostly you come as joy
the joy of who you were
and will always be
in my heart
*
rob kistner © 2023
updated rob kistner © 2024
Poetry at: d’Verse
Poetry at:Whats’s Going On
Your poem brings tears to my eyes
Much????love
It has been many years, and most memories are sweet. Sometimes the pain and trauma of that nightmare still surfaces. Much love to you my friend… 🙂
Rob, I love the top image you chose, you looking out upon the beautiful light of a day, imagining your son’s spirit beside you giving you love and strength.
Thank you Lisa. 🙂 I created several extrapolations, this perspective felt the most impactful.
Oh Rob this is such a sad passing. Someone so young should not be allowed to leave.
Not the natural way…
I touching tribute to your son, Rob, and I can understand ‘the perversity of a son passing before the father’. As I said to Sara, photos are a treasure trove or those left behind. These lines made me tearful too:
‘in the tearful
turbulent nights
you come
as a breeze
stirring through my open window’.
Thank you Kim… 🙂
This poem is magnificent and a wonderful tribute to a beautiful young man.
I am crying as I type this. As the mother of two sons in their twenties and of a long dead baby girl, I am living your pain.
I am so sorry for your loss Kim… 🙁 I am the father of a daughter and two sons, so I know your family dynamic. I was fortunate that my daughter Jennifer, who is my oldest child, is alive and doing well, and whose love I feel strongly. She lives in Nashville, and gives me such strength. It was my oldest son Aaron that we lost — and at times it is still painful as hell. My younger son, my middle child, is my son Justin. He has been my rock as I’ve gotten older and my health has failed. Hug those boys of yours anytime you can — I know I need not tell you to be grateful for them. I can tell that you are. Thank you for your kind words Kim. 🙂
Dear Rob,
Precious son … your elegy broke my heart.
It is from my still broken heart, first broken when he was killed in 1995. You know they say that broken hearts will heal, and yes they do but they never heal fully. The broken piece leaves an empty place in the heart, that remains empty forever. And sometimes it hurts like hell! Buy most of the time now it’s filled with warm memories of him, but sometimes… 😐
I am sorry you lost your son, and I understand there is pain. It is good to see you are able to focus on your sons merits and his gifts., that is, the memories he left.
They are vivid blessed memories, even after so many years. 🙂
Embedded forever in your heart.
Vividly Kerfe… 🙂
I am so sorry, I felt every word….
The memories are mostly warm and wonderful now, but there are still moments of tears feeling the loss… 😐
I, too, feel your words deeply. The quiet confidence of knowing they never really leave.??
We are all so insignificant — but hopefully precious to someone…
Oh Rob, truly the most heartbreaking thing that can happen to a parent is to lose their child – their shining hope of the future. Your poem is so heartfelt and beautiful. I love that his memory brings joy, even midst the pain – the wonder of who he was. As it happens, I am going to the funeral tomorrow morning of a young teen, whom I looked after from age two until age eight, who died suddenly in a freak boating accident. The family is devastated – no one ever expects something like this to happen. Your son looks so handsome and happy in his photo! Such a wonderful young man.
I have had years to heal from the loss of my Aaron, but the memory can bring some tears, especially on key dates. I am so sorry to hear of the tragic death of that young man. Youth is not supposed to pass before the old. I hope peace will eventually find its way to those who loved him, certainly including you my friend… 🙂
I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved son at such a young age, Rob. Your poem is such a powerful and sad elegy, heartfelt and raw!
Thank you Mary. Time has long healed the wound, but the scar can be tender at times. He is now a wonderful joyful memory for all of us who loved him. 🙂
Rob, your poem pulls at my heartstrings. Your deep love for your son is felt. (wiping a tear)
Thank you True, even after all this time, I still feel him, mostly joyfully, but there are times where it’s painful, like on his birthday, or remembering the horrible day he was taken from us, holidays. The most thing I feel is joy — he was a wonderful boy. I was blessed. 🙂
Hang on to those precious memories, my friend.
Always True… 🙂
I have no words Rob. I have been to this space, having lost my only child, my daughter. She was twenty six. May you have peace and strength to bear the unbearable.
Its been quite A while, so the sharp pain has dissipated a while ago. Mostly what I remember is the joy he was, definitely was. However, there are times when the tears come — like special days, his birthday holidays, the day he was taken from us, By and large pI feel joy and gratitude for him in my life.
Powerful writing and open heart writing. Lovely writing
Thank you so much Alan… 🙂
“bargaining with god
that you be returned to life
in exchange for mine”
ouch . . . these moments relived . . . forever and ever . . . through this gorgeous and loving elegy. Oh, my! Tears. I hope you published this when the event itself was distant. This poem speaks to so many.
Thank you Susan. Yes, I have shared it. When I still had my health there was a surviving parent group I would was in touch with.
I know too well the pain you speak. I lost both my oldest daughter and her fiancé two years apart. There are days I cry and days I sit with the memories of their joy, their strength, their courage. My heart goes out to you. Beautiful poem
Thank you Susie. I am so sorry to hear of your losses, bless you. A child is meant to outlive the parent. I know you understand the helplessness one feels when that natural way is turned upside down. My tears are not as frequent and not as bitter since time has passed, and now there are moments of joyful memories, even laced with laughter. My Aaron is gone but he has never left my heart… 🙂
An elegy that brought me to tears, you made me feel it so deeply, Rob. You made us “see” him through your words. I know it’s been many years, but I know too from my own experience that the pain and tears are only a thought, a heartbeat away. I love the photo you shared. What a gorgeous young man, full of life and laughter! And that beautiful smile! May you be comforted.
Thank you Dora, I deeply appreciate your grasp of the dynamics of grief. 🙂