• the first poem is a free verse conceptual perspective on the essence of anger
• the second is a poem I would like to share, which touches the primal anger I felt at the time of the tragic death of my 18-year-old son, Aaron — written shortly after the horrible event
• the third is the pantoum which was directly suggested by this prompt — it is based on a poem I wrote while in the early stages of my grief, also regarding the raw, unfiltered anger I felt, and still feel occasionally, surrounding Aaron’s death
•
love
bruised
crying out
to be understood
so loudly
that it cannot hear
frustrated
that its capacity to feel
is far greater
than its ability to express
• • •
rob kistner © 2010
•
i remember well the day he died
the searing pain
that fueled my rage
setting fire to the skies
primal power
giving life to sorrowed hatred
sustaining me no food or sleep
while i cursed the cruel heavens
in ringing spite that toppled mountains
and leveled to despair
every mocking face of care
reaching out to touch me
saying how they understood
they sure as hell — did not
or they’d have never gotten near me
they’d have given me vast berth
for all i wanted was to strike them
make them scream
make them hurt
i would have given him my life
with little thought have taken yours
for if my son could no longer live
nor would anyone on this earth
• • •
rob kistner © 1995
•
this cannot be the way his story ends
his youth snuffed out by someone’s mindless deed
this cannot be the horror fate intends
if life you want mine now I do concede
his youth snuffed out by someone’s mindless deed
if debt is owed please I will make amends
if life you want mine now I do concede
hell’s threshold now to where I stand extends
if debt is owed please I will make amends
anger grips me like a poison seed
hell’s threshold now to where I stand extends
my soul ablaze my heart begins to bleed
anger grips me like a poison seed
god your cold and heartless name offends
my soul ablaze my heart begins to bleed
a blackness here within me now distends
god your cold and heartless name offends
hatred of you deep inside does breed
a blackness here within me now distends
upon my very essence it does feed
hatred of you deep inside does breed
cruel god is this the horror you intend
upon my very essence it does feed
this cannot be the way his story ends
please tell me this is not the way his story ends
• • •
rob kistner © 2010
In loving memory of my son, Aaron Robert Kistner: 11/4/76 – 7/3/95
Rob, my heart truly breaks for you…
I am amazed that you can put such clarity of words to such a horrible tragedy…
Your poems, Rob, are moving testimonies to the strength of your love. May peace be with you.
Rob, Thank you for sharing these deeply personal pieces. The second is my favorite. I’ll read it again. All else seems insignificant.
Rob this is so heartbreaking and I also am amazed how you can write about such a horrible event.
Pamela
Cynthia, Maureen, Brenda, Pamela —
Thank you for your kindness!
It has been a long enough time that most of my memories of Aaron are warm and wonderful. There are moments when the pain surfaces quite unexpectedly, as was the case with this prompt. Moments like that do put me in touch with the anger, but it no longer dwells actively in my heart.
I mush prefer now to remember the love… 😉
…rob
I am so sorry, Rob, for the death of your son Aaron. Nothing could be less fair or harder. All three poem have expressed your feelings very well. Again, I am so very, very sorry.
Grief is an intensely personal emotion, and expressing it as you do is a wonderful tribute to your son.
Rob, when you share your love and loss it tears me up — I cannot imagine what you went through. I’m more attached to the pantoum for some reason — perhaps because the form shields me somewhat from your pain. The repetition mellows that hurt, creating almost a song of grief.
Thank you Diane, Stan, Linda —
The pantoum is a bit more mellow because, while it is an original piece created for this prompt, it was written based on a poem I wrote not long after Aaron’s death. I crafted this current work to reflect the source poem, trying not to scrub away the raw essence — but my anger has mellowed over time, and I feel primarily warmth of sweet memory for my son, so that likely translates in a bit more lyrical fashion today.
…rob
I think the second poem and the pantoum are both very powerful. I’m sure that being able to write about our feelings is cathartic. It must be terrible to lose a child and no-one else can truly understand. Thanks for sharing these, Rob.
Heart breaking. I feel like I have examined your grief from different angles. Each powerful, each different. Thanks for sharing this.
Thank you, Rob, for allowing us to glimpse a tiny bit of your pain & anger.
Rob, I’m shattered and speechless. I’m so sorry for the loss of your son, Aaron. Thank you for your courage in sharing these poems with us.