I’ve found it interesting tracing the development of this poem. It’s funny the way we can’t leave certain of them alone. I read that a poem should be put in a drawer for a year after it’s written. A decade is rather a long time!
First of all, I think ‘Lost’ is definitely the better and more memorable title. I loved the ‘apples’ on the broken stair, when I read it earlier this year, but I can see where you are coming from with ‘oranges’. I think the final version is the best. It’s the tightest, the slight change in the way you’ve grouped the lines is an improvement in the sense, and the couple of lines you’ve left out didn’t add anything.
There is s fundamental core to this poem that seems to reveal itself when you read through the drafts (although I’m sure it took work to bring it out.) You streamline the work and its sense of loss and grief is expressed more truthfully. An excellent and haunting piece. “Lost” is a good title.
The final version ends with a beautiful image of the beloved’s mouth, whose physical presence is now lost. But that final image left me with a feeling of hope for the narrator, in that the image that remains is one of sensuous beauty. So, really, I enjoyed each version, but the last seems to satisfy the most.
As an aside, I want to thank you for all your eloquent comments on readwritepoem. You have added so much to the community of readers and poets with your honest, well-thought words.
Fascinating to see the different stages……like Christine I was captivated by the close of the last piece, my only quibble is that apples sounds better, well to my ear. I like the tightness, the flow, says an awful lot with a very few words. Well done, Rob, and nice to see you again, it’s been a while *grin*
I’ve found it interesting tracing the development of this poem. It’s funny the way we can’t leave certain of them alone. I read that a poem should be put in a drawer for a year after it’s written. A decade is rather a long time!
First of all, I think ‘Lost’ is definitely the better and more memorable title. I loved the ‘apples’ on the broken stair, when I read it earlier this year, but I can see where you are coming from with ‘oranges’. I think the final version is the best. It’s the tightest, the slight change in the way you’ve grouped the lines is an improvement in the sense, and the couple of lines you’ve left out didn’t add anything.
There is s fundamental core to this poem that seems to reveal itself when you read through the drafts (although I’m sure it took work to bring it out.) You streamline the work and its sense of loss and grief is expressed more truthfully. An excellent and haunting piece. “Lost” is a good title.
The final version ends with a beautiful image of the beloved’s mouth, whose physical presence is now lost. But that final image left me with a feeling of hope for the narrator, in that the image that remains is one of sensuous beauty. So, really, I enjoyed each version, but the last seems to satisfy the most.
As an aside, I want to thank you for all your eloquent comments on readwritepoem. You have added so much to the community of readers and poets with your honest, well-thought words.
Fascinating to see the different stages……like Christine I was captivated by the close of the last piece, my only quibble is that apples sounds better, well to my ear. I like the tightness, the flow, says an awful lot with a very few words. Well done, Rob, and nice to see you again, it’s been a while *grin*