Hidden from the light of day
here your other self resides
though keeping to the shadows
you know that your dark self abides
you feel him at times — don’t you
feel that his dark thoughts are true
a darkling essence
scarred and damaged
sometimes so strong
barely managed
begotten in another time
another life
rife with fear
with pain and strife
come from far away
from another place
but this dark entity
does wear my face
yes — I see
it is an anger
powerfully manifest
righteous
so long suppressed
that could not find effective voice
to save my ruined innocence
I had not the strength
not the choice
I was silent when I had no name
for what I did not comprehend
I knew I must not shoulder blame
but what to do
I now realize it was my youthful trust
that was betrayed
in these ways
so insidious
sadly was this torment done
by the hand of an entrusted one
concealed from blind society
to inflict hurt and animosity
yet
why do I feel conflicted
I know my molten dark self
I had to forge
in that fire of dire adversity
I hammered out my hardened soul
tempered by survival’s hand
by desperate necessity
look here
look deep into your heart
and see
you rose and fought that abject fear
cradled within your broken heart
you lifted yourself from that veil of sorrow
so as to cling to your peace of mind
to your sanity
to see your way to one more tomorrow
to embrace your courage one more day
to finally stand and say —
no more
no
more
so why do I
feel quilt
for the shame
for the tears I spilt
be quiet, my soul
my dark shadow self
saved my life — I know
am I hardened — yes some
but I’m not stone
I have found real love
I no longer face a life alone
when I look inside myself
what is it that I see
beyond the shadows
I see a man
who better understands
his shadow
his dark self
has it now in his command
who has come through
come true
no guilt
I wonder —
did this darkness that enveloped me
cost me my dignity
no — thankfully
it did not
I need not worry
I’ve a firm grasp on my integrity
so be quiet my soul
he saved me —
my shadow
*
rob kistner © 2021
Poetry at: dVerse
I, too, have that case-hardened anger issue, or as DEXTER calls it, his “Dark passenger”. More parallel traits between us.
Found out a few months ago via my daughter, after not knowing for 74 years, that my real name is Lawrence Tieke. Wonder if somewhere way back “there”, we are related?
We’re watching/re-watching Dexter now. ????I thought of his “dark passenger,” too.
Thankfully, my dark self is both a reflection of the past and an occasional resident — and homicide is not his thing. I was the only one in physical danger, and that has been reined for a long time. My dark self’s expression is depression, occasional anger in bursts — not violence. In that particular aspect, Dexter and I are quite different. Fascinating show though. I do relate to the essence of his struggle, and that has lessened significantly for me over the years.
And this is just how we win out over these things in our past we had no control over. We console ourselves with words.
Maintaining my sanity demands I write continually Judy.
I’m out-of-breath after reading this journey into your shadow side. I believe one of the tasks of maturity (old age?) is to become a friend of that part of us…self acceptance at the deepest level. Using a film noir image…just perfect. Enjoyed this.
Thank you Victoria. After 74 years, I still need to stay aware of my dark srlf.
Wow, Rob. This is quite the journey to take in when reading, especially when I can resonate with a few parts–the darker aspects of ourselves that we (try to) turn away. I used to indulge in mine, but like you, I now understand it better.
So dark, gritty, and raw in the main portion but as it begins to tie up its ends, you can see the narrator has finally found content in their life in spite of their past. The past may still bring pain and we may never let it go, but we don’t have to slip from who we know we are and who we know we can become. Beautifully and viscerally written!
Lucy, you wrapped around this piece so effectively my friend. I no longer fear my dark past, nor the self that emerged from it — but it took a number of years to get here. It’s an understanding of that nature that gets me through some difficult times. I am in one now and searching my shadows for some insight.
“cradled within your broken heart
you lifted yourself from that veil of sorrow”
Luv these lines
Happy Thursday
Much love…
Thank you so much Gillena… 🙂
As always, your form and style simply blows me away. There’s a full play written here, an intensely introspective character piece that makes delicious use of chiaroscuro. I can’t pick my favorite line, so take my false “like” and my genuine appreciation that you have crafted something so very fascinating.
So very grateful for your kind words Masa. I was touched by your comparison of the dark and light if this piece to the chiaroscuro style. I envisioned it as an inner dialog reflecting dark and light, strength and vulnerability, loss and victory — tied together with introspection. I’m pleased it resonated for you. 🙂
Layers. Faces. More layers. Life.
Blew me away, RK.
Thank you Ron. Appreciate your compliment!
This is powerful stuff, Rob – facing the demons from our past and growing from them:
‘I know my molten dark self
I had to forge
in that fire of dire adversity’
I suppose I’m lucky I only meet my dark self on set days nowadays, and with a periodic regularity!
Thank you. We all have our demons to dance with. I guess the only thing we can do Ingrid, is just keep our feet moving ‘til the music stops. 🙂
I could feel this struggle–trying to accept all parts of oneself, the dark, the scared, perhaps scarred, child, the loving and loved person now. I suppose some of that type of reflection comes with age–though not to everyone. This is such a layered, emotional, thoughtful poem, Rob.
(And finding out your true birth name only months ago! )
If we live long enough Merril, we tend to gain a bit of wisdom, as a reward for the pain of getting old, I suppose? My daughter, without my knowing it, submitted to DNA analysis, to learn about her ancestral tree. She surprised me with the info just in April. Blew my mind. I had 7 siblings, 1 brother and 1 sister apparently still living — at least in April. I am the oldest, born a bastard, which is likely why, in a Catholic family in 1947, I was put out for adoption. It is certainly possible I was a post WWII homecoming celebration “accident”, given my birth father served during thst war. Who knows? My siblings were born after my birth parents married. I will likely never contact them. Have nothing really to say, but it is interesting to know. I have started my own new family tree, with me as one of the roots. To hell with the Perrmann’s and Tieke’s! 🙂 I am Rob Kistner — no longer Lawrence Tieke. He disappeared before his 2nd birthday, when he was adopted by the Kistner’s.
Very nicely done! That other self within seems to haunt us all at times. You have shared it very eloquently!
Thank you Dwight. I just keep draggin’ my shadow demons into the light. There, they fleee.
Rob,
Writing in the shadow of pain, your shadow, the haunting past, yet daring to see with wisdom and clarity and light that brings release, integrity: I find all this in your soliloquy. And it inspires hope in all of us who battle with shadows. Thank you.
pax,
dora
One can be standing in shadows, but the secret is always seeking the light. There can be no shadows without the light. I am pleased this resonated for you Dora. 🙂
Rob, you are one of the most fascinating, layered, painfully truthful, talented, deeply damaged, redeemed, music loving souls I know. BRAVO!
Helen, any particular day, each, some, none, all of those adjectives seem to apply. I would add insecure, brave, grateful, depressed, happy, and frightened to the mix — because, depending on the day, they too may each apply.
I see a man who better knows his shadow than himself… that is really strong.
Certainly as well as Bjorn! It was an absolute necessity for the survival of his battered, but strong glass-like psyche.