moonlight
keeps dark at bay
pressing in
night wind stirs
mocking breath
of life now lost
to lightless realm
beyond this chill
encircling me
worn stone step
where rail eluded
grasping hand
as ankle bent
held oranges spilled
moon caresses
tender neck
once softly kissed
from which no voice came
to futile cry
those lips
will not know again
sweet fruit
nor love
blackness presses in
VERSION 2
moonlight
keeps dark at bay
pressing in
night wind mocking
life now lost
beyond this chill
no emotion
save grief
a worn stone step
a grasp-less hand
an ankle bent
held oranges spilled
tender neck
once softly kissed
now broken
a futile cry
those lips
will not know again
sweet fruit
nor love
darkness presses in
VERSION 3
moonlight
keeps dark at bay
pressing in
oranges spill
on worn stone steps
rail eludes
grasping hand
night wind stirs
scattering
the futile cry
mocking
the breathless life
lost to the lightless realm
beyond this encircling chill
these lips
will not know again
sweet fruit
nor love
~ ~ ~
rob kistner © 2020
NOTE to “Blogger” site owners: I enjoy reading your work, but frustratingly, some “Blogger” sites DO NOT let me post comments? 🙂 So sorry if you don’t see personal comments from me on your “Blogger” site. But I will keep reading your work — and welcoming and responding to your comments here on Image & Verse.
In sharing all three versions, Rob, you have given insight into the progression of revision. I’m glad you didn’t tinker with the first stanza but concentrated on the sound of the wind and moved the spilled orangs to the second stanza to give the poem a different feel.
Glad what I attempted here resonated for you Kim. Thank you for your feedback. I feel certain “Chill” has not seen itd final edit… 🙂
Hi Rob, what an interesting dark trio. For mine, the third version works best – I liked the strong image of the oranges tumbling down the steps, and the grasping hand – and I think the last line ‘nor love’ works strongest to convey the tragedy. Thanks for sharing this work.
I enjoyed participating Peter. I am eternally editing everything I have written The past 57 years, since age 16, poems and lyrics. The jury is still out for me on these 3. I am certain now that they are written, history will see more iterations. 🙂
They are all indeed reasonable edits of a heartbreaking concept. I cannot choose between them as they all struck a chord with me.
Thank you for weighing in Ingrid. I am satisfied with all 3, but haven’t landed on a favorite “Chill”. It’s probably not written yet, knowing myself as I do… 😉
I prefer the first version. It has more impact for me, is more direct, keeping the focus on the dark, the past, what is lost.
I embrace your reaction to the first version Jane, well expressed. Now that “Chill” is in my portfolio, there will likely be additional edit(s) — it is my nature to never leave well enough alone… 😉
Oh wow. You did two edits. It felt like a journey of a poem being refined again and again. The images become clearer and more specific, though all versions go straight to the heart.
Thank you RW. 🙂 My approach was to keep refining, though I have not fully decided which I ultimately favor — or does it need further edit?
I like the detail of the original, but prefer the precision of the third version, Rob.
“now broken” in the second version seems superfluous.
I fully understand on all three of your points. That is likely going to be my ultimate evaluation of the three versions. Great minds Ken… 🙂
I like the last version best, Rob. Much clearer than the first two. I like the night wind scattering the futile cry, and the lips that won’t ever taste sweet fruit. Ending with “Nor love” creates more mystery.
Thank you Vicki. Version #1 and especially Version #3 both have received nods of approval. #2 not so much. I am not surprised.
All three are heart-rendering and speak grief. I cannot choose between them. Too sad. Exquisite writing. :(.
Thank you Mary, very much…:)
I love that you included three version…the expanding and cutting back makes it even stronger and more direct.
I love to edit and rewrite as much as I like writing the originals — maybe more Bjorn. To me, any initial write is a draft, no matter if considerable thought was put into it. It is absolutely necessary to allow time, and a fresh mind, to reread the piece. It usually begets a better piece, and often, additional pieces. The craft of writing is in creating the initial piece. The art of writing is in the editing — IMHO.
You always have a way with description! I like all three….a trilogy.
Most especially I like this stand alone stanza
“no emotion
save grief”
It says it all….cold stark reality in two short lines.
Thank you Lillian, I appreciate your kind feedback… 🙂