The Chill

512BD54A-D688-430F-9376-9ED26B101C27

 

The Chill

~

Three reasonable edits of a single concept:

VERSION 1

moonlight
keeps dark at bay
pressing in

night wind stirs
mocking breath
of life now lost
to lightless realm
beyond this chill
encircling me

worn stone step
where rail eluded
grasping hand
as ankle bent
held oranges spilled

moon caresses
tender neck
once softly kissed
from which no voice came
to futile cry

those lips
will not know again
sweet fruit

nor love

blackness presses in

VERSION 2

moonlight
keeps dark at bay
pressing in

night wind mocking
life now lost
beyond this chill

no emotion
save grief

a worn stone step
a grasp-less hand
an ankle bent
held oranges spilled
tender neck
once softly kissed
now broken

a futile cry

those lips
will not know again
sweet fruit

nor love

darkness presses in

VERSION 3

moonlight
keeps dark at bay
pressing in

oranges spill
on worn stone steps
rail eludes
grasping hand

night wind stirs
scattering
the futile cry

mocking
the breathless life
lost to the lightless realm
beyond this encircling chill

these lips
will not know again
sweet fruit

nor love

~ ~ ~

rob kistner © 2020

 

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  • Click to read more dVerse poems:

    MTB, Write like a dog, edit like a cat…

  • 20 thoughts on “The Chill”

    1. In sharing all three versions, Rob, you have given insight into the progression of revision. I’m glad you didn’t tinker with the first stanza but concentrated on the sound of the wind and moved the spilled orangs to the second stanza to give the poem a different feel.

    2. Hi Rob, what an interesting dark trio. For mine, the third version works best – I liked the strong image of the oranges tumbling down the steps, and the grasping hand – and I think the last line ‘nor love’ works strongest to convey the tragedy. Thanks for sharing this work.

      1. I enjoyed participating Peter. I am eternally editing everything I have written The past 57 years, since age 16, poems and lyrics. The jury is still out for me on these 3. I am certain now that they are written, history will see more iterations. 🙂

      1. I embrace your reaction to the first version Jane, well expressed. Now that “Chill” is in my portfolio, there will likely be additional edit(s) — it is my nature to never leave well enough alone… 😉

    3. I like the last version best, Rob. Much clearer than the first two. I like the night wind scattering the futile cry, and the lips that won’t ever taste sweet fruit. Ending with “Nor love” creates more mystery.

      1. I love to edit and rewrite as much as I like writing the originals — maybe more Bjorn. To me, any initial write is a draft, no matter if considerable thought was put into it. It is absolutely necessary to allow time, and a fresh mind, to reread the piece. It usually begets a better piece, and often, additional pieces. The craft of writing is in creating the initial piece. The art of writing is in the editing — IMHO.

    4. You always have a way with description! I like all three….a trilogy.
      Most especially I like this stand alone stanza

      “no emotion
      save grief”

      It says it all….cold stark reality in two short lines.

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