Wordless

This was not a moment in my life when I was speechless, searching for the right words. I had no awareness of words, nor even of language. I was suddenly completely untethered, falling through a frigid void, with a building primal scream, roaring through my soul, fighting to escape.
 

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Wordless

~

I still remember
when I got the strange hollow call
informing me my son had been killed

the disembodied voice on the other end
asked into the silence that followed
“sir, are you there?”

all that finally came forth
emanating from the pit of my being
was a coarse choking guttural wail
like the keening of a wild animal

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~ ~ ~

rob kistner © 2019

 

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  • 48 thoughts on “Wordless”

      1. I remember it vividly. It was the first time in my life that I was told a loved one, a child I raised for 18 years, had been violently killed in a horrible accident. It was at time I found myself emitting the tortured keening of a wounded animal. Impossible for md to ever forget..

    1. Oh Rob. I had no idea you had survived the worst possible loss a parent can have. I have heard that keening wail from the depths of a parent who has lost her child. I know exactly what it sounds like, a wail like no other. I truly do not know how a parent stays standing after such a loss, but I have watched others do so, so I know it is possible – not that we have any choice. This poem went straight to my heart. Bless you.

      1. It is a moment seared into my heart and mind Sherry — but now I have the dear memories of my boy to embrace. Two important motivations to continue on were my other son and my daughter, who were hurting as much as I, and needed love and understanding.

    2. Thank you Rob for writing this and sharing a so painful message that you received of your son’s death. This is something a parent just doesn’t want to happen and I can’t praise you enough for being able to share this.

    3. This is so heartbreaking! Change that takes place within is beyond anyone’s comprehension without the experience. It’s almost like someone hearing about poison, someone seeing it & the another one tasting it. The taster knows.
      Sometimes knowledge is that devastating.

      So sorry, Rob.

      1. It is a coping that actively continues all these years later Jane. It took me two years to get control of the anger. My other son, Aaron’s younger brother, and his older sister were my motivation to get right. They were hurting too and we all needed each other. My three children were extremely close to each other. It still lives as a horror in my heart — but I no longer let it control me.

      1. The initial horror impacted me so significantly Rosemary, that these years later, there is still a scar, and a touch of anger. But my boy Aaron now lives in me embodied as the wonderful memories I have of a kind, brilliant, vocally talented, and remarkably handsome young man. The teen worship leader of his church, on his way to college. On the day we said goodbye, the 1,200-seat capacity church was filled to overflowing, and the tearful song of the 35-voice youth choir that he directed, and for which he was lead male vocalist. A motorcade nearly 3/4 of a mile long, gently carried my Aaron to his final rest.

    4. A powerful, emotional poem, Rob. I can feel what your response was. Mine was a scream when my father died.
      This takes courage.

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