You & Me

…I offer this piece in response to prompt #69 at Carry On Tuesday,
and prompt #18 at We Write Poems,
also the September 6th prompt at Big Tent Poetry,
and the September 8th prompt at Three Word Wednesday…

You &Me

(a poetic quadratych)

•

The Secret

what I said was
don’t touch
go away
leave me be

while inside
I cried out
draw near
stay with me

you are light
you are pure
you are joy
you are free

I am not
I am dark
I am beast
can’t you see

without you
there is much
you don’t know
about me

The Revelation

I lived at the light’s edge
that pooled in the night
on the bleak back streets
of the sad brokenhearted

I hid in the anguish
of the loveless who cowered
in the dark nightmare alleys
of the lost and forgotten

I fed on the grief
of the mourners who wailed
for their horrific loss
in the ruins of death

this was my heartscape
black as mid-winter night
a lightless horizon
no glimmer of hope

trusting was toxic
no foothold for love
relations were carnage
scattered lifeless and cold

The Change

’til a beautiful being
eyes brilliant and true
approached from afar
bearing tinder of love

the graceful arrangement
was deftly ignited
and patiently tended
the fire gently stoked

afraid to come forward
I held outside the glow
but your kindness drew me
we stood by the blaze

with passion it roared
its light pierced my blackness
its heat thawed my soul
my cold heart was warmed

The Miracle

you wrapped yourself ‘round me
gazed into my eyes
your kiss soft and serene
was the essence of healing

with you in my life
I am darkness removed
soaring and weightless
radiant and rising

vital and caring
my spirit’s renewed
illuminated wholly
by a new dawn of dreams

• • •

rob kistner © 2010

• photo above is of the GOASTT, digitally enhanced by: rob kistner 2010

54 thoughts on “You & Me”

  1. I like these, perhaps the first the most. In the third I especially like the first two lines.

    All three show the great diversity of your writing style and approach to prompts. I am always struck by the variety of poems created by those of us who use the same prompts. (I used COT #69, too, this week.)

    Reply

    1. yes Thom, it is a 3-part poem, a poetic triptych if you will… I have completed a major rewrite of this piece since you graciously read it, and commented. I invite you to read the re-write here…

      …rob

      Reply

  4. I like the changes you’ve made since my initial reading; some of the images are clearer. The second piece seems stronger and, though still dark and bleak, its flow into the third, which I read as redemption (through love), makes sense.

    Reply

    1. Thank you Maureen for the re-read and fresh comment… 😉

      The second part is the self-condemnation section — a troubled, regretful person looking at themselves and their life through hyper-critical eyes, and not liking what they see at all — and you read correctly the “redemption through love” ending.

      I’m going to keep working it. The first draft was just this morning, this current being the second.

      Thank you again…

      …rob

      Reply

  5. The need to be known, to be heard, is I believe, when found, the key to beginning to know self. Your poem is a slow revealing, yet healing within that concept.

    Elizabeth

    Reply

    1. It is sometimes painful to look closely at one’s self, and the things we’ve done and have been done to us — but as you astutely observed ElizaBeth, it is the only way to find healing…

      …rob

      Reply

  6. Wow – so much going on here. The first is so accessible, and cleverly titled. Then the second, The Revelation, is scarred and scary. And then, The Miracle, such a hopeful ending. This is fine work.

    Reply

  9. The first part especially fits the Big Tent Prompt and the whole work does indeed hang together. I didn’t see your first effort but find this second one polished and appreciate that you do not rest. I am one who writes rapidly but am unabashed about revisions when it strikes me. I think this necessary to the art, as is the flexibility that permits it. Thanks for your efforts here. It is a joy to visit.

    Reply

  11. I read these as one complex whole. After reading the first part, I wrote in my notebook The Secret implies that the ‘I’ is incomplete without the ‘you’ –
    a very loving thought. Then comes the painful self-examination, followed by the perfect resolution.

    You’ve put your finger on the one downside to these prompt forums: the need to push our fledgling poems out into the world barely formed. Frequently I re-read an earlier post of mine and think ‘How could I have let that go?’
    ViV

    Reply

    1. I have always considered what I post here in Image & Verse to be only early drafts. Almost without exception, the more “realized” versions of the poems, especially the ones I consider my better efforts, are never re-posted — as they are archived with the hope of someday publishing…

      I consider Image & Verse my safe, semi-social way of bucking my natural tendency to be non-social — a tendency that has surfaced strongly in recent years, given my need to self-administer numerous insulin injections every day…

      …rob

      Reply

  13. Thank you for your email pointing me in this direction. I’m so glad you did. “The Change” fills in the gaps, and explains the metamorphosis from the dark you to the bright day of love.

    One problem with editing a poem on a blog is that people can’t see what you’ve changed it from – it needs a critiquing forum for that, or a repeat posting! But I think I’d read it sufficiently often to realise how much of an improvement this version is.
    Love,
    ViV

    Reply

    1. Thank you for returning to read and comment Viv, I appreciate it.

      I am a registered member of Emerging Poets, where each iteration of a piece remains posted as you interact with other members during its critique-driven evolution. I stopped participating several years ago because I began to experience the loss of my ‘true poet’s voice’, my personal form of expression. I spent years developing my individual quirks, anomalies, and madness — I’m not giving it up for anyone! For that I make no apologies…

      After going through the EP blender, the final pieces no longer felt like they were mine. The time I spent on EP was not all in vain, as it helped me discover, and grow confident, in my poetic ‘voice’ — good or bad, it is authentic… and that is what helps me feel actualized in my writing…

      That said, I have a quiet fantasy that someday I will connect with a poetry editor who ‘gets’ me, and my ‘voice’, and who can help me stay true to it, and solidly on point with it — but that is a fantasy, probably more because I wonder if I would listen… 😉

      …rob

      Reply

  14. Thanks for inviting me back. This is a large work, far larger than I have ever done well at myself. You however have three movements that work together seamlessly to me. I am not sure I have anything concrete to say about it except to suggest you are probably not done yet. The Miracle section is not in the same flow to me. I think it actually needs expansion (and I can’t believe I am saying that since my own work will rarely exceed fifteen lines anymore). I think you know how to say more about the miracle, to bring it out of the abstract as you did the other movements. I feel like your last section needs that. This is a terrific piece, well worth the effort.

    Reply

    1. Thanks Christopher… I am definitely not finished with this piece. My gut agrees with you that ‘The Miracle’ needs a little more, though not too much — and both ‘The Revelation’ and ‘The Change’ need a little paring down to tighten. I am very satisfied with ‘The Secret’ and the way it accelerates into the rest of the piece…

      …rob

      Reply

  15. One way or another we all share this journey here. And the resolution always comes with the same voice… eventually. Just as you’ve written Rob. Dark always looks dark from dark. We struggle and struggle, then one day we see, and dark just isn’t any more. I like the analogy… when you turn on the light switch in a darkened room, just how long does it take for darkness to dissipate? Makes me smile sometimes to remember how once I thought it was so far to go! I appreciate your poem and your regard to make the process visible.

    Reply

    1. Neil, a very wise man, a Franciscan theologian who taught me logic, once said something to me my freshman year in high school that took me many years to understand, to really wholly grasp — although I thought I understood immediately. He said, “if you think you are crazy, it’s quite likely you’re not.” Later in life I transposed that simple, but profoundly accurate logic, to apply to evil — if you think you are, you’re probably not. I was wrestling with the question with regard to myself.

      But I did learn that one can become extremely dark of spirit, and have a very great struggle back to the light. It happened to me twice, once during my adolescent battle to rise above an early childhood of abandonment and abuse — and again in the years following the tragic death of my teenage son Aaron. I still have a dark shade from one or the other of those periods, that will pass over me at times.

      I used the memories of those times to inform this suite of poems, softening the writing considerably, so as not to offend the sensitivities of the reader. I have a journal I’ve kept for years, in which I pour my feelings raw and uncensored — it will forever remain private.

      …rob

      Reply

  17. Rob, I do agree with you that critique sites are useful, but can sometimes dilute or deflect your own voice. Tillybud and I belong to the same one – Firm but Fair , with about 6 regular critiquers- and I can truly say that my poetry has significantly progressed due to the input from these virtual friends over the last three years.

    But when put comes to shove, we must learn to accept the truly valuable suggestions and reject what doesn’t chime with our own particular way of doing things. Your dream of an in-tune editor echoes my own, and I keep submitting stuff, more in hope than expectation.

    Reply

  19. Your verses certainly ran the whole gamut from dark to light. I enjoyed the underlying rhythms you used and their variations.

    On which subject, on your blog it’s very difficult to discern the necessary name, email and URL boxes when trying to leave a comment, as there is little diferentiation between them and your black background. It would be nice if you lightened their colour by a few degrees, to help us with old eyeballs! lol 🙂

    Reply

    1. Thank you for your comments Penny, and thank you for visiting Image & Verse… I have very compromised eyesight, the result of years of diabetes, and I have no trouble seeing my blog, so it escapes me what to do differently.

      I also have very high quality, high resolution Mac computers, that allow me to lighten, brighten, and enlarge the text and images on my screen — so this likely makes my experience viewing my blog different from some of my readers.

      I’m left with completely redoing the theme and design of my blog, a project I am not prepared to undertake just now — the artist and designer in me put many long hours into getting my blog to be as it is. That said, that same designer and artist does occasionally long for change — so who knows of the future…

      I do hope you will continue to visit here Penny, and to read and comment…

      …rob

      Reply

  21. Bing a stubborn sort of a geezer, I shall continue struggling to find the black holes in the black background that my humble PC presents to me – I don’t like being beaten! LOL 🙂

    Reply

    1. They were conceived and written independent of each other Carolee, but purposely with the subtle connecting thread of “you & me”. I also composed each with openings and endings that allowed for coupling and future adding & subtracting of sections — in the event I ever want to expand it to a novel-length free verse poem, covering the entire lives from cradle to grave (oh my!) of the two people, although the likelihood of that is slim to none… 😉

      …rob

      Reply

    1. I am pleased this multi-poem works for you.

      I agree Diane, there are suggestions, in the form of critique, that can work — but I hold to the fact that the decision as to whether or not they do work, is wholly the domain of the poet…

      There is not a poem written, beyond three lines, that I couldn’t edit to some degree, no matter how small, and have it be more to my taste, and perhaps the taste of others — but then, I’ve stolen the poet’s work by altering his/her voice, in the way some who critique do… the relationship and understanding between author/poet and editor has to be well established and any critique, solidly informed by this relationship.

      There is a very fine and somewhat obscure line between editing for real improvement, and altering for personal taste… I firmly believe many, if not most of these online critique sites do far more to stunt, stifle, repress, and discourage than they do to improve…

      Can you imagine e e cummings, Kerouac, or Ginsberg participating in an online critique site when they were emerging, and actually listening to, and having their style altered by the barrage of critical suggestions that would certainly been heaped upon them — the world would have lost three extremely unique and important writing ‘voices’…

      ..rob

      Reply

  26. I can so relate to the idea of saying the opposite of what one really means and needs. And it is definitely a miracle when we find someone who can see through that. Beautiful poems, Rob.

    Reply

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